Politeness

While I am eager to jump back into the fold of my mental outline for this blog (taboo being the next category I've been promising to get to), I had an experience this morning that led me to thinking about politeness, cultural standards, and how to define what is "right" and "wrong."

Naturally, like anyone else, I have my own cultural biases.  Some of these serve me well ("don't talk out loud during a movie"), while others may seem a little obscure ("take off your hat when entering a room").  Still, there are moments where I feel my cultural biases serve an ethical, utilitarian purpose.  In this case, the Conformist in me was quite angry at the Ugly American in a group of other people.

I take the BART to commute each day.  This morning, on a moderately crowded, but not overly crowded train, I witnessed both a man with a cane and a venerable man go through the same experience.  Specifically, no one got up from their seats to let either of them sit down.  This was particularly troubling in the section that is specifically designated as priority seating for these passengers.

Now, before I get all "Miss Manners", I did notice something that made the situation tricky: just about everyone sitting down was Indian (from India), and everyone seated was from some kind of Asian culture.  Having been to India, Hong Kong, and Malaysia, I know that there is a cultural difference at work.  In many crowded Asian cultures, everything is treated as a "first come, first served" situation.  I'll never forget my first experience on a plane landing in India.  Before the plane was even safely landed and at the gate, people had not only taken off their seat belts, but had crowded immediately to the doors.  This immediacy, the lack of following structure, and the (perceived) inefficiencies and safety problems they cause, seemed to permeate into virtually every aspect of life in India, from driving (who actually follows the lines in the road?) to getting back on the plane (queues? who needs those?).

I found myself in a bit of a quandary.  What should I do?  Should I tell someone, "hey, get up, let this person sit down, please"?  I've seen someone do exactly that before (a black woman--one thing I will say about black American culture is that it is very similar to my own, Southern background).  Should I let people be assertive on their own (if they need to sit down, maybe they should say something)?  At some point, the moment is passed for me to have any impact or interference without it seeming rude or condescending.

Our cultural standard is to do as BART indicates: let senior citizens, disabled passengers, pregnant women (or women in general--sometimes I offer to let anyone sit down) take your seat.  It is politeness, as our culture has defined it.  Still, I can't help but claim a certain bias that this form of politeness suits a utilitarian purpose.  Simply put, you are keeping someone from having to endure unnecessary stress and potential pain.  That seems a greater gain than keeping to our own selfish need of enduring a slight amount of discomfort.

The Rebel in me also sees room for improvement in our cultural standards, following the same utilitarian logic.  Why can't we automate cars, eliminating most auto accidents and drunk driving (not to mention reduce the cost of auto insurance to near zero)?  Why do we insist that subsidies are inherently "bad" ideas (the rich subsidizing the poor, the healthy subsidizing the sick, etc.) until the day when we find ourselves in need of said subsidies?  Does capitalism always lead to "better" technology--or does the cost of competition outweigh the benefits?

Politeness: it's contagious.  Please pass it around.